Worthless (or at least worth less) that
is what I thought mental health issues would make me… I thought they´d make you
less of a human. Clearly I was wrong – we are who we are and it is perfectly
okay to struggle. You will struggle with your life choices – with yourself –
with the world itself. No matter if it is depression, anxiety, something else
or simply a mild struggle: it does never affect your worth or makes you
anything less. We are not less of a friend, partner or employee for our
struggles. We are still us! Our society however has a problem with openly
discussing them in a non-judgemental way. It teaches us to keep our
feelings to ourselves, as we for instance aren´t supposed to cry or be overly
emotional in public. Therefore it is implied that feeling those feelings is not
okay and makes you an outcast. Mental health issues are all too often
frowned upon.
I myself had my very own issues with the
mental health that I used to take for granted. Why? From 2016-2018 I studied
law and loved it at first, yet I did not quit once it started to make me
unhappy and felt like the wrong path… I kept going and ignored those feelings.
As a result of the pressure and my unhappiness I began to struggle with
tinnitus and experienced an ever-growing feeling of numbness. So from mid-2017
to mid-2018 I struggled with a mild depression, anxiety, numbness and a
tinnitus because of sticking to life choices that didn´t make me happy. I studied
the wrong thing, was to afraid to admit it and as a result kind of lost myself.
I kept quiet and felt ashamed – but above all I didn´t want to be a burden to
my loved ones or cause them any unhappiness by speaking out and telling them
the painful truth. What shocked me the most is that it turns out that
speaking out and getting help is not as easy as it should be. Because if you
want to do therapy and have your health insurance cover it you automatically
lessen your job chances. An appointment as a tentured German civil servant is
way less likely for instance if you received therapy – this stigmatization has
to stop. Because Therapy can help you … and doesn´t make you damaged
goods. So why am I writing this and possibly ruining my future job chances
you may ask yourselves now – well after making the experiences I did I´ve
decided that this is no way for our society to function. The only thing we will
accomplish by keeping this up is ruin our youth. We need to start having an
open conversation about issues like these.
So yes I AM OKAY NOW. It took a lot of
suffering and soul searching for me to realize the path I was on was wrong for
ME personally. But I was lucky that there are so many brave souls out there
that are incredibly open about their emotions and struggles. They inspired me,
made me feels less alone and more normal. I really don´t know where I´d be at
without them or without music to guide and strengthen me. I am not so silly
that I think I am inspiring or anything but I decided that you yourself need to
be the change you want to see in the world. Which is why I am here with you
sharing my feelings and thoughts, my path and my struggles. And I vow to do
that as honestly and as raw as possible – because that is what I always find
myself connecting and responding strongest to : the content of truthful human
beings.
When even my hobbies didn´t bring me joy
anymore music was my rock! I would like to extend a special thanks to Taylor
Swift here, because during the last 10 years she has supported
me endlessly through her music and through her honest poetic
songwriting. Thank you for all the life lessons you thought me - I don´t know
who or where in life I´d be without your emotional support … thank you for
making me feel less alone and weird when I did ( and for countless dance
parties) <3 and I want to thank my parents for flying to Dublin with me to
see her this summer – I don´t think they could ever grasp how important this
was for me … I don´t think words could ever do that. But knowing I would finally
get to see her gave me something to hold onto and look forward to during the
toughest of times <3
But back to my path: I quit law school.
This did not quit the struggle though. This kind of a choice and change in life
is something that weights on you as well. It feels life free falling - like
jumping without a parachute. It does until you have your new path and even
when you do have it you still find yourself haunted by what if´s. This does not
mean I am not happy now though. I truly am because I decided that I would value
my own happiness and mental health over my constant need to prove myself
through success and degrees. Because success only feels truly meaningfull when
it feels like your own. So I mustered up my courage and am now studying fashion
management and following my passion for fashion and economics. Anyways finding
yourself and your center again takes a while. The numbness doesn´t just
fade away automatically, neither does caring about nothing and losing your
drive. Once you lost who you are and what makes you you… even when you get it
back it takes a while and still is not the same. I for one was always super
passionate, very driven, a ball of joy, very happy kind of kid through all the
hardships life would throw at me. I´d see life with rose tinted glasses,
everything was exciting and growing up I loved nothing more than holding onto
my child-like whims and always enjoyed making others happy. You could also call
it naivety. For a while still most of this was gone - I didn´t give a
fuck anymore … all I felt was numb an burned out. Instead of being truly happy
I became good at pretending I was – too good ! A word of advise never get to
good at pretending – get good at being real and honest. Now I am happy again,
my rose tinted glasses however are still gone. Maybe I will get them back
alongside my drive and my trust into myself – I hope I do ! It may just take a
bit more time or it is called adulting and I won´t, we´ll see! <3
This darker side of me is probably as
new to those who know me well as it is to those who don´t … I guard it well
normally, but to come back on here and in life I couldn´t just pretend nothing
happened when everything had happened, I needed a sense of honesty – A REAL
BANG. Still I don’t want anyone to worry, the existence of darker feeling in my
rather sunny soul and being doesn´t make that sun less shiny or true. The sun
would be nothing without the moon just like my happiness is not fake for my
unhappy feelings or experiences.
I realize that this is a rather intense
post for a comeback, but it is all or nothing on this matter and the truth
deserves everything. It was the only way for me to do it and is in my opinion
the perfect way to start into a positive 2019 with as little negative baggage
as possible. I am wiser and stronger and happy for it. I can look back on law
school and appreciate, see the good sides, its value and the things I learned
for life now. My past and my choices are no regrets or burnt topics, they don´t
define me or feel like a failure anymore. I am looking forward to my future and
new career path in fashion, still my love for law and politics will always
persist.
Furthermore I have decided to value my
happiness and mental health above all else going forward. I made the mistake of
snorting about topics like that of mental health thinking it didn´t concern me
until it did and did not take it seriously enough. I took my mental health for
granted when I had it - don´t do that! The world does not teach us to… all it
does is whisper about those who struggle with themselves causing many of those
who struggle to suffer in the shadows alone. So Speak out – connect – don´t be
afraid – don´t be ashamed – it gets better <3 – you are whole
even when your mind isn´t & you are worth just as much as everyone else no
matter what your mind or society tells you. We can never let society with its
way of silencing the conversation about mental health win.
No matter if you struggle or not or
know anyone who is or not - I have something here I´d like you to listen to: the
words of wisedom of Imagine Dragons frontman Dan Reynolds when performing his song"Demons" (my anthem
when I was bullied in school) at Lollapalooza Berlin 2018. You can watch the video here, his little speech goes from 1:16:08 to 1:17:15.
Here´s an excerpt of Taylor Swift´s “Clean Speech” during her 1989 world tour that has helped me
majorly and might help you realize some important things too (or so I hope):
I think that it is probably very possible that a lot of you have experienced a lot of rainy days that never really got brighter, or maybe you fell in love with a person or something that is bad for you and couldn’t quit, or maybe you lost someone that you never expected that you would lose, or maybe you lost yourself; that’s even worse. When you have bad days that just won’t let up, I just hope that you will look in the mirror and remind yourself of what you are, and what you are not. You are not your mistakes. You are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you. You are a product of the lessons you have learned. You are wiser because you went through something terrible. And you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking. I… I now believe that pain makes you stronger. I now believe that walking through a lot of rainstorms gets you clean. – Taylor Swift
P.S: For everyone thinking the pictures
don´t match the text: They are supposed to not match and show you that mental
health problems don´t make you damaged goods. (And that they can be both overcome or simply
invisible… so be mindful and kind - you never know what others are going
through!)
Post a Comment
I am a unicorn person !
I always have been and it feels like I always will be ... it is not just a child-like whim tho. I was into unicorns way before the whole hype started and I am fairly certain that my fascination won´t fade away with the hype. Further down below you can find a compilation of all my favourite unicorn stuff in case I got you hooked.
Where would be the fun in adulting if it meant leaving all your child-like whims behind ? I am an easily excitable person and I like that about myself - I believe wearing your heart on your sleve is a good and honest thing to do. So is trying to be unapologettically yourselves, having fun and living your life no matter what others think or say ! Personally I have adored Taylor Swift as a person and an artist for the last 10 years - many of her amazing quotes,poems and lyrics have become mantras of mine taht just like her music have changed my life to the better ! Here are two of my most cherished TS Quotes:
" You are not the opinion of someone who doesn´t know you !"
" It is not good for your happiness or your state of mind to care so much about what people who do not care about you think!"
Now I am not forcing you to like or love taylor the way I do, but I surely demand that you respect both her and my opinion !
I also hope that you can take as much away from the quotes for yourselves as i can <3.
Please always be true to yourselves, it is way more fun than changing yourselves in orders for others to like you or trying to be cool - believe me I have been there.
Another thing that took me some time to figure out is you can´t just put me into one box and that this is absolutly okay, perfectly normal even. Figuring out who you are and who you want to become is one hell of a tricky question and an important one too.
I found it rather difficult to accept all my different sides as the bits and pieces that make me me. I thought if I was one thing it automatically meant I couldn´t be something else as well. Realizing they´re perfectly compatible has not been an easy ride in the past. I kept thinking how can someone who is so interested in law books, economics and reading also be obsessed with all the cute animals, unicorns or pink, fluffy and glittery things the world has to offer ? Also how can I be so fashion obsessed even tho I settled onto a different career path ? How can i be independent and still depend on and need the love of those closest to me so much ( btw: I am a family person and still super close with my parents) ? The list goes on...
A quote that has been a game changer for me - in accepting all this and more as little parts of me and as normal - is one that I read in Lily Collins´ amazing book "Unfiltered" (read my blogpost about it here).
“Being delicate, dainty and sensitive doesn´t mean you´re not also strong and unbreakable. I can be everything. I am everything!”
So yeah I am the girl that has a unicorn named blog, owns all the unicorn stuff you could possibly imagine and has built enough of a unicorn reputation for herself to be gifted all the best unicorn inspired gifts you could imagine (even from my mom´s friends) ! You name it ... unicorn pool floats, mugs, socks, napkins, tissues, (amazing) cakes or twinkly lights... chances are i own it !
Always stay true to yourself ! If the people you surround yourself with do not appreciate you for being yourself they are not worth it - not an easy lesson to learn, but a very valuable one <3
Becaus people can be cruel and some poeple enjoy putting others down - but changing who you are won´t make them like you or be nicer to you and it certainly won´t make you happier !
When I first toyed around with the idea of starting my
own blog I hesitated, because I had this idea of what I felt it was supposed to
be (the perfectly curled hair, the thin girls smiling down at the food they are
never eating and an endless collection of bright pink sunsets).
However I
realized that this couldn´t be further from the truth… only I decide what I
blog about. It is my creative outlet and I have full creative control. “The
Unicorn of Fashion” is only what I want it to be and today I want to share my
must-read with you. When I read this utterly inspiring book it deeply affected
me - So if you only read one book this year please make it this one!
Lily Collins – UNFILTERED
No Shame, No
regrets, Just Me
Lily is the daughter of Phil Collins, I hope everyone
is in the loop now? However she has made a name of her own and does not need
that of her father in any way.
Years ago I began to admire her work as an actress and
I surely also began to feel a growing affection towards her without even
knowing her. What I never got to see were her struggles and admittedly I never
thought to think twice and consider that she might have them… just like I do.
We tend to idealize people in the public eye and with the help of the media
many set them up for unattainable perfection, scrutinizing and criticizing
their every moves. What we often forget is: they are just humans with emotions
like everyone else. Probably because this is all we are supposed to see as
Hollywood is a brutal business and surely this perfect idea of a person sells
better!
We often forget that self-doubt and dark thoughts
creep into anyone, because all of us are so good at hiding this particular side
of ourselves. I know I am. However I appreciate the realness with which she
opens up about taboo topics our society doesn´t, but should and needs to talk
about.
At 28 years old Lily is reflecting on the good as well
as the bad in her outstanding memoir which is a collection of
impressive essays. I think we
all understand what it’s like to live in the light and in the dark
(whether we want to admit it or not). Collins shares her own deepest secrets as she sheds light
on the beautiful side of life as well as its at times very dark one. With
brutal, refreshing and much needed honesty she tackles topics that many young women struggle with such as body
image and self-confidence issues or romantic relationships head on. She talks
about her badass mum, the at times difficult relationship with her father
(whether your dad is famous or not I promise you´ll identify), writes a letter
to herself and so much more. “Unfiltered” is a wide spectrum of things for
instance it is funny and hilarious, without ever being rude, but also
heartbreaking and deeply emotional at times.
The fact alone that I am sharing this must-read with
you is huge for me, as sharing my love for this book says so much about myself.
If you decide to read it you will learn unbelievably much about me that not
even those closest to me know, because I recognize parts of myself in about 80
% of the book.
Through reading “Unfiltered” I
found I identified a lot with Lily… and even ended up developing my very own
healthy Quinoa cookie recipe as well (if you´ll read the book you´ll get this
one!). But it is more than the fact that both us seem to prefer drinking our
formerly hot tea cold. Especially whenever Lily wrote
about her self-confidence issues and her eating disorders it
really struck a match with me as I finally felt understood and less alone, like
someone got me ! The emotions she shares are raw and honest. It was just what I
needed and I took away so much from reading “Unfiltered”. You could almost
say it was therapeutic.
Lily learned that sometimes
all it takes is one person to stand up and say something for everyone else to
realize they’re not alone. And she is right! For me this person is her - I
always thought that what I did and thought couldn´t or wouldn´t make any
difference to anybody at all… but this book has changed my perspective. It has
inspired me to speak out. How will we know whether we can make a
difference if we don´t even try to – giving up before you even started is the
real defeat here in my opinion.
Therfore I want to incourage you all - It’s time
to feel inspired and claim your voices and live life to the fullest!
Quotes:
(please beare with me as I
slightly shortened some quotes in order to give you a little insight into the
book and enable you to get them without having actually read it YET )
“The universe gives you
nuggets of inspiration every once in a while, during our most trying times and
if we’re open, and willing to see, they can prompt immense growth.”
“I will never need anyone to complete me. I am
enough on my own.”
“You deserve happiness. You
deserve to be loved just as you love others. You deserve everything.”
“Food should be your fuel. Not
a punishment.”
“I was in control! I was
skinny.”
“There is a greater happiness
to be attained in this world: the happiness of enjoying myself to the fullest
during the one life I have and accepting myself for who I am while I´m living
it.”
“Don´t live a boring life if
you can add a little silly into it every once in a while.”
“Be silly. It’s attractive.
Normal is so boring.”
“Being delicate, dainty
and sensitive doesn´t mean you´re not also strong and unbreakable. I can be
everything. I am everything.”
FINALLY ! And the journey begins ...
It really is about time that I start blogging as I am looking to use this blog as an outlet for my creativity and share my passion for fashion with all of you.
I am super excited and can´t wait to get my blog going !
About me:
I am Lulu, the author of "the Unicorn of fashion". I am a 20 year old university student from Berlin, Germany. I have always loved fashion and regard it as a form of art. I especially enjoy expressing myself
through my personal style.
As the long time equestrian that I am I also take pleasure in
everything unicorn related and have developed a slight unicorn obsession. Apart from all that I have a huge passion for photography and anything that is creative.
On my blog “the Unicorn of Fashion” I mainly write about fashion and occasionally about travel and lifestyle
topics.
See you soon
Lulu
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)