A lot of fashion and a bit of everything !

Monday, December 31, 2018

worth less or worthless ?

Worthless (or at least worth less) that is what I thought mental health issues would make me… I thought they´d make you less of a human. Clearly I was wrong – we are who we are and it is perfectly okay to struggle. You will struggle with your life choices – with yourself – with the world itself. No matter if it is depression, anxiety, something else or simply a mild struggle: it does never affect your worth or makes you anything less. We are not less of a friend, partner or employee for our struggles. We are still us! Our society however has a problem with openly discussing them in a non-judgemental way.  It teaches us to keep our feelings to ourselves, as we for instance aren´t supposed to cry or be overly emotional in public. Therefore it is implied that feeling those feelings is not okay and makes you an outcast. Mental health issues are all too often frowned upon.

I myself had my very own issues with the mental health that I used to take for granted. Why? From 2016-2018 I studied law and loved it at first, yet I did not quit once it started to make me unhappy and felt like the wrong path… I kept going and ignored those feelings. As a result of the pressure and my unhappiness I began to struggle with tinnitus and experienced an ever-growing feeling of numbness. So from mid-2017 to mid-2018 I struggled with a mild  depression, anxiety, numbness and a tinnitus because of sticking to life choices that didn´t make me happy. I studied the wrong thing, was to afraid to admit it and as a result kind of lost myself. I kept quiet and felt ashamed – but above all I didn´t want to be a burden to my loved ones or cause them any unhappiness by speaking out and telling them the painful truth.  What shocked me the most is that it turns out that speaking out and getting help is not as easy as it should be. Because if you want to do therapy and have your health insurance cover it you automatically lessen your job chances. An appointment as a tentured German civil servant is way less likely for instance if you received therapy – this stigmatization has to stop. Because Therapy can help you … and doesn´t make you damaged goods. So why am I writing this and possibly ruining my future job chances you may ask yourselves now – well after making the experiences I did I´ve decided that this is no way for our society to function. The only thing we will accomplish by keeping this up is ruin our youth. We need to start having an open conversation about issues like these. 

So yes I AM OKAY NOW. It took a lot of suffering and soul searching for me to realize the path I was on was wrong for ME personally. But I was lucky that there are so many brave souls out there that are incredibly open about their emotions and struggles. They inspired me, made me feels less alone and more normal. I really don´t know where I´d be at without them or without music to guide and strengthen me. I am not so silly that I think I am inspiring or anything but I decided that you yourself need to be the change you want to see in the world. Which is why I am here with you sharing my feelings and thoughts, my path and my struggles. And I vow to do that as honestly and as raw as possible – because that is what I always find myself connecting and responding strongest to : the content of truthful human beings.

When even my hobbies didn´t bring me joy anymore music was my rock! I would like to extend a special thanks to Taylor Swift here, because during the last 10 years she has supported  me endlessly through her music and through her honest poetic songwriting. Thank you for all the life lessons you thought me - I don´t know who or where in life I´d be without your emotional support … thank you for making me feel less alone and weird when I did ( and for countless dance parties) <3 and I want to thank my parents for flying to Dublin with me to see her this summer – I don´t think they could ever grasp how important this was for me … I don´t think words could ever do that. But knowing I would finally get to see her gave me something to hold onto and look forward to during the toughest of  times <3

But back to my path: I quit law school. This did not quit the struggle though. This kind of a choice and change in life is something that weights on you as well. It feels life free falling - like jumping without a parachute. It does until you have your new path and even when you do have it you still find yourself haunted by what if´s. This does not mean I am not happy now though. I truly am because I decided that I would value my own happiness and mental health over my constant need to prove myself through success and degrees. Because success only feels truly meaningfull when it feels like your own. So I mustered up my courage and am now studying fashion management and following my passion for fashion and economics. Anyways finding yourself and your center again takes a while.  The numbness doesn´t just fade away automatically, neither does caring about nothing and losing your drive. Once you lost who you are and what makes you you… even when you get it back it takes a while and still is not the same. I for one was always super passionate, very driven, a ball of joy, very happy kind of kid through all the hardships life would throw at me. I´d see life with rose tinted glasses, everything was exciting and growing up I loved nothing more than holding onto my child-like whims and always enjoyed making others happy. You could also call it naivety. For a while still most of this was gone -  I didn´t give a fuck anymore … all I felt was numb an burned out. Instead of being truly happy I became good at pretending I was – too good ! A word of advise never get to good at pretending – get good at being real and honest. Now I am happy again, my rose tinted glasses however are still gone. Maybe I will get them back alongside my drive and my trust into myself – I hope I do ! It may just take a bit more time or it is called adulting and I won´t, we´ll see! <3

This darker side of me is probably as new to those who know me well as it is to those who don´t … I guard it well normally, but to come back on here and in life I couldn´t just pretend nothing happened when everything had happened, I needed a sense of honesty – A REAL BANG. Still I don’t want anyone to worry, the existence of darker feeling in my rather sunny soul and being doesn´t make that sun less shiny or true. The sun would be nothing without the moon just like my happiness is not fake for my unhappy feelings or experiences.
I realize that this is a rather intense post for a comeback, but it is all or nothing on this matter and the truth deserves everything. It was the only way for me to do it and is in my opinion the perfect way to start into a positive 2019 with as little negative baggage as possible. I am wiser and stronger and happy for it. I can look back on law school and appreciate, see the good sides, its value and the things I learned for life now. My past and my choices are no regrets or burnt topics, they don´t define me or feel like a failure anymore. I am looking forward to my future and new career path in fashion, still my love for law and politics will always persist.

Furthermore I have decided to value my happiness and mental health above all else going forward. I made the mistake of snorting about topics like that of mental health thinking it didn´t concern me until it did and did not take it seriously enough. I took my mental health for granted when I had it - don´t do that! The world does not teach us to… all it does is whisper about those who struggle with themselves causing many of those who struggle to suffer in the shadows alone. So Speak out – connect – don´t be afraid – don´t be ashamed – it gets better <3  –  you are whole even when your mind isn´t & you are worth just as much as everyone else no matter what your mind or society tells you. We can never let society with its way of silencing the conversation about mental health win.

No matter if you struggle or not or know anyone who is or not - I have something here I´d like you to listen to: the words of wisedom of Imagine Dragons frontman Dan Reynolds when performing his song"Demons" (my anthem when I was bullied in school) at Lollapalooza Berlin 2018. You can watch the video here, his little speech goes from 1:16:08 to 1:17:15.

So going forward please don´t be afraid to get hurt (get vulnerable) – be kind and extend a hand to others – kindess is the only truly meaningful currency that exists. Because without happiness no amount of money means anything <3  so please be kind to others and don´t judge to harshly what you don’t understand and never make people feel bad or weird about things they care about – I wish you all a truly HAPPY and blissful New Year.

Here´s an excerpt of Taylor Swift´s “Clean Speech” during her 1989 world tour that has helped me 
majorly and might help you realize some important things too (or so I hope):

I think that it is probably very possible that a lot of you have experienced a lot of rainy days that never really got brighter, or maybe you fell in love with a person or something that is bad for you and couldn’t quit, or maybe you lost someone that you never expected that you would lose, or maybe you lost yourself; that’s even worse. When you have bad days that just won’t let up, I just hope that you will look in the mirror and remind yourself of what you are, and what you are not. You are not your mistakes. You are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you. You are a product of the lessons you have learned. You are wiser because you went through something terrible. And you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking. I… I now believe that pain makes you stronger. I now believe that walking through a lot of rainstorms gets you clean.  – Taylor Swift


P.S: For everyone thinking the pictures don´t match the text: They are supposed to not match and show you that mental health problems don´t make you damaged goods. (And that they can be both overcome or simply invisible… so be mindful and kind - you never know what others are going through!)


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