Worthless (or at least worth less) that
is what I thought mental health issues would make me… I thought they´d make you
less of a human. Clearly I was wrong – we are who we are and it is perfectly
okay to struggle. You will struggle with your life choices – with yourself –
with the world itself. No matter if it is depression, anxiety, something else
or simply a mild struggle: it does never affect your worth or makes you
anything less. We are not less of a friend, partner or employee for our
struggles. We are still us! Our society however has a problem with openly
discussing them in a non-judgemental way. It teaches us to keep our
feelings to ourselves, as we for instance aren´t supposed to cry or be overly
emotional in public. Therefore it is implied that feeling those feelings is not
okay and makes you an outcast. Mental health issues are all too often
frowned upon.
I myself had my very own issues with the
mental health that I used to take for granted. Why? From 2016-2018 I studied
law and loved it at first, yet I did not quit once it started to make me
unhappy and felt like the wrong path… I kept going and ignored those feelings.
As a result of the pressure and my unhappiness I began to struggle with
tinnitus and experienced an ever-growing feeling of numbness. So from mid-2017
to mid-2018 I struggled with a mild depression, anxiety, numbness and a
tinnitus because of sticking to life choices that didn´t make me happy. I studied
the wrong thing, was to afraid to admit it and as a result kind of lost myself.
I kept quiet and felt ashamed – but above all I didn´t want to be a burden to
my loved ones or cause them any unhappiness by speaking out and telling them
the painful truth. What shocked me the most is that it turns out that
speaking out and getting help is not as easy as it should be. Because if you
want to do therapy and have your health insurance cover it you automatically
lessen your job chances. An appointment as a tentured German civil servant is
way less likely for instance if you received therapy – this stigmatization has
to stop. Because Therapy can help you … and doesn´t make you damaged
goods. So why am I writing this and possibly ruining my future job chances
you may ask yourselves now – well after making the experiences I did I´ve
decided that this is no way for our society to function. The only thing we will
accomplish by keeping this up is ruin our youth. We need to start having an
open conversation about issues like these.
So yes I AM OKAY NOW. It took a lot of
suffering and soul searching for me to realize the path I was on was wrong for
ME personally. But I was lucky that there are so many brave souls out there
that are incredibly open about their emotions and struggles. They inspired me,
made me feels less alone and more normal. I really don´t know where I´d be at
without them or without music to guide and strengthen me. I am not so silly
that I think I am inspiring or anything but I decided that you yourself need to
be the change you want to see in the world. Which is why I am here with you
sharing my feelings and thoughts, my path and my struggles. And I vow to do
that as honestly and as raw as possible – because that is what I always find
myself connecting and responding strongest to : the content of truthful human
beings.
When even my hobbies didn´t bring me joy
anymore music was my rock! I would like to extend a special thanks to Taylor
Swift here, because during the last 10 years she has supported
me endlessly through her music and through her honest poetic
songwriting. Thank you for all the life lessons you thought me - I don´t know
who or where in life I´d be without your emotional support … thank you for
making me feel less alone and weird when I did ( and for countless dance
parties) <3 and I want to thank my parents for flying to Dublin with me to
see her this summer – I don´t think they could ever grasp how important this
was for me … I don´t think words could ever do that. But knowing I would finally
get to see her gave me something to hold onto and look forward to during the
toughest of times <3
But back to my path: I quit law school.
This did not quit the struggle though. This kind of a choice and change in life
is something that weights on you as well. It feels life free falling - like
jumping without a parachute. It does until you have your new path and even
when you do have it you still find yourself haunted by what if´s. This does not
mean I am not happy now though. I truly am because I decided that I would value
my own happiness and mental health over my constant need to prove myself
through success and degrees. Because success only feels truly meaningfull when
it feels like your own. So I mustered up my courage and am now studying fashion
management and following my passion for fashion and economics. Anyways finding
yourself and your center again takes a while. The numbness doesn´t just
fade away automatically, neither does caring about nothing and losing your
drive. Once you lost who you are and what makes you you… even when you get it
back it takes a while and still is not the same. I for one was always super
passionate, very driven, a ball of joy, very happy kind of kid through all the
hardships life would throw at me. I´d see life with rose tinted glasses,
everything was exciting and growing up I loved nothing more than holding onto
my child-like whims and always enjoyed making others happy. You could also call
it naivety. For a while still most of this was gone - I didn´t give a
fuck anymore … all I felt was numb an burned out. Instead of being truly happy
I became good at pretending I was – too good ! A word of advise never get to
good at pretending – get good at being real and honest. Now I am happy again,
my rose tinted glasses however are still gone. Maybe I will get them back
alongside my drive and my trust into myself – I hope I do ! It may just take a
bit more time or it is called adulting and I won´t, we´ll see! <3
This darker side of me is probably as
new to those who know me well as it is to those who don´t … I guard it well
normally, but to come back on here and in life I couldn´t just pretend nothing
happened when everything had happened, I needed a sense of honesty – A REAL
BANG. Still I don’t want anyone to worry, the existence of darker feeling in my
rather sunny soul and being doesn´t make that sun less shiny or true. The sun
would be nothing without the moon just like my happiness is not fake for my
unhappy feelings or experiences.
I realize that this is a rather intense
post for a comeback, but it is all or nothing on this matter and the truth
deserves everything. It was the only way for me to do it and is in my opinion
the perfect way to start into a positive 2019 with as little negative baggage
as possible. I am wiser and stronger and happy for it. I can look back on law
school and appreciate, see the good sides, its value and the things I learned
for life now. My past and my choices are no regrets or burnt topics, they don´t
define me or feel like a failure anymore. I am looking forward to my future and
new career path in fashion, still my love for law and politics will always
persist.
Furthermore I have decided to value my
happiness and mental health above all else going forward. I made the mistake of
snorting about topics like that of mental health thinking it didn´t concern me
until it did and did not take it seriously enough. I took my mental health for
granted when I had it - don´t do that! The world does not teach us to… all it
does is whisper about those who struggle with themselves causing many of those
who struggle to suffer in the shadows alone. So Speak out – connect – don´t be
afraid – don´t be ashamed – it gets better <3 – you are whole
even when your mind isn´t & you are worth just as much as everyone else no
matter what your mind or society tells you. We can never let society with its
way of silencing the conversation about mental health win.
No matter if you struggle or not or
know anyone who is or not - I have something here I´d like you to listen to: the
words of wisedom of Imagine Dragons frontman Dan Reynolds when performing his song"Demons" (my anthem
when I was bullied in school) at Lollapalooza Berlin 2018. You can watch the video here, his little speech goes from 1:16:08 to 1:17:15.
Here´s an excerpt of Taylor Swift´s “Clean Speech” during her 1989 world tour that has helped me
majorly and might help you realize some important things too (or so I hope):
I think that it is probably very possible that a lot of you have experienced a lot of rainy days that never really got brighter, or maybe you fell in love with a person or something that is bad for you and couldn’t quit, or maybe you lost someone that you never expected that you would lose, or maybe you lost yourself; that’s even worse. When you have bad days that just won’t let up, I just hope that you will look in the mirror and remind yourself of what you are, and what you are not. You are not your mistakes. You are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you. You are a product of the lessons you have learned. You are wiser because you went through something terrible. And you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking. I… I now believe that pain makes you stronger. I now believe that walking through a lot of rainstorms gets you clean. – Taylor Swift
P.S: For everyone thinking the pictures
don´t match the text: They are supposed to not match and show you that mental
health problems don´t make you damaged goods. (And that they can be both overcome or simply
invisible… so be mindful and kind - you never know what others are going
through!)
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